Texas 3: The Saw is Family

Maire says:

Remember how The Exorcist II really had nothing to do with The Exorcist? Texas 2 is sort of in the same boat, except that it’s actually good.

So here we are with Texas III, which tries to pick up after Texas 1. And then it falls into the 3rd in the series trap. It wants to be good. You want it to be good. But somewhere along the line we all realize that it’s not going to be great. In fact, it’s not even going to be good. But we soldier on anyhow, and are we rewarded for our efforts?

Well, Ken Foree is stellar as always. And hey, isn’t that Viggo Mortensen? Oh, it is! But alas, despite the gore and tension, the end just really goes to schlock. So no, we’re not rewarded for our efforts, but I hear there are some big names in 4, so it’s sure to be great, right?


Corey says:

I could take this entire review and talk about how awesome the trailer for this movie is.  Instead, here it is. Ok, now you’ve seen the best part of Texas 3.  That being said, 3 has its merits.  For one, it’s got Ken “No More Room in Hell” Foree in it, which I think is pretty neat.  He seems like a nice guy, and he gets into quite arguably the best duke-it-out-with-Leatherface-while-a-chainsaw-dances-in-the-water-in-the-background scene ever put to celluloid.

Other than that, the fun in 3 is few and far between.  Viggo “dont call me Strider, dammit” Mortensen does a pretty good job of trying to fill the wacky brother role of the family, but everybody else feels too goofy and watered down.  None of the other family members (even you, Bubba) don’t have distinct enough personalities to allow you to figure out which wacko is which.  And why is there a fucking kid?  Who’s idea was that?

Movie Exec: “You know what would be creepy?  A wacko kid!  That’d be an awesome twist!”

Oh.

One of the standouts of this film was the soundtrack.  This bad boy is just dripping with late 80’s crap metal everywhere, and I fucking love it.  Hell, Sacred Reich is on there! I haven’t thought about them since I was wearing big stupid pants and had blue hair.  In fact, them being on there kind of sums of this film nicely.  Texas 3, unfortunately, was a product of the times it lived it.  It reeks of late 80’s/early 90’s stereotypes and how to fit the venerable series into those tropes.  If the first two films hadn’t been so groundbreaking, this might not be a problem.  But they were, so it is.

Salty says:

While The Texas Chainsaw Massacre bears the distinction of being one of the most imitated original horror films of all time and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2 bears the personal distinction of being my favorite movie of all time, Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III’s main distinction is that it has one of my favorite theatrical trailers of all time. I think that theatrical trailers are an art unto themselves; there are trailers that use little to no footage from the film (Pink Flamingos), trailers that don’t use any dialogue so you won’t know that they are foreign (Don’t Open the Window) and trailers don’t really relate to the film at all (Videodrome), but the best trailers are the ones that use original footage – stuff that you don’t even get in the movie. The Leatherface trailer is one of the latter, and oh boy is it a doozy! Just go watch it.

As for the film itself, Texas III is not bad (not bad does not mean good). The story is familiar: two siblings (neither of them blowing raspberries) on a cross-Texas adventure meet up with the family of chainsaw killers with a lot of obvious fodder along the way – only now the family is different. Drayton is way off, and the wacky hitchhiker is now much less crazy Viggo Mortenson (who does not wear a Sonny Bono wig). They decided to try to humanize Leatherface with this sad awkward Speak-and-Spell scene (a digital picture of a clown is not food - good name for a song by The Locust; bad way to tell me that Leatherface is mentally handicapped). Plus, grandpa is dead (really dead, it’s not that he just looks dead this time) and now we have… smoking post-tracheotomy grandma and… a little cannibal girl, both of whom are presented without explanation, and this leaves the film feeling a lot iffier.

The movie overall is a toss-up between the decent (kitchen scenes) and the lame (Did you know that if you drop a running chainsaw in the swamp, it will not only continue to run, but wave itself back and forth in the water? I may be crazy, but I suspect that this won’t actually happen.) and as it is so often in life, mediocrity wins.

Maire	Corey	Salty
☆	☆☆	☆☆

Good News, Everyone! We've Watched Them All!

With Dominion and The Beginning behind us (not to mention some colossal delays because of yours truly), we've come to the end of the Exorcist series.  In some ways, I feels this may be one of the more divisive series as far as House of Sequels consensus goes.  Some films that I thought would have been an easy perfect score (the original) didn't make it, and I totally cock blocked (to Maire and Salty's surprise) II from the dreaded shitpickle.  That's what makes this series (and this project) so interesting, though.

We all get different things out of films.  Some of us obsess over directors and camera angles.  Some of us are obsessive gorehounds.  Some of us love awful acting and cheap sets.  And that's all ok.  The beauty of horror is that we can all come together and discuss what we like, what we don't like, and the community is always better for the conversation.  

The Exorcist series has everything.  It has pure, classic horror.  It has hokey 80's sentiments.  It has beautiful characters that are in every film.  And, it has shitpickles.  But, the fact that 3 humble students of the craft can't come together and tell you which is the best is a testament to not only how diverse the series is, it's also a monument to how awesome the horror community as a whole can be.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go eat some pea soup.


Franchise Ranking

The Exorcist	☆☆☆☆
The Exorcist III	☆☆☆☆
Exorcist II: The Heretic	☆
Exorcist: The Beginning
Dominion: The Prequel to the Exorcist

The Exorcist - the Franchise Introduction

One franchise down! Next up we’ve decided to go with one of the more unlikely entries to make our list: The Exorcist. It is a unique horror series in that it’s sort of what Marvel (DC is better) did with The Avengers only in reverse… only it’s a horror movie… and there are no superheroes… What I mean is what’s weird about it is that all the sequels are individual adventures of each of the characters that are joined in the first film. Part 2 follows Reagan, part 3 follows Father Karras and 4 and 5 are alternate histories of Merrin, which is something that Marvel does – it all comes together.  The franchise does reach the 5-film watermark as we have decided to treat The Beginning and Dominion as separate films as they do in fact have different, though similar story lines, and are credited to different directors (one of whom also made Nightmare on Elm Street 4, so we will be seeing more of his work later).  Who would of thought that a film with a masturbating twelve-year-old girl would have so many sequels… oh.

The Exorcist II: The Heretic - destroying Linda Blair

Maire says:
What the fuck did I just watch?

Yes, I know it’s one of those movies that you need to watch, in a hipster kind of way.

Yes, it did lead to a moment of awesomeness when Corey realized why he knew the name Pazuzu, and accurately recreated how he knew it.

And yes, it allowed for J. Spurlin over at imdb to come up with this understated gem for his plot summary:

His investigation takes him to Africa where he locates another recipient of Merrin's exorcising and learns something fascinating and terrible about locusts.

BUT, the above ≠ good movie. Or even laughably bad movie. Remember, I’m the schlock guy of the group, but hoo boy, this was a baaaad film.

The beauty of The Exorcist is its epic clash of “good vs. evil” in an unexpected container. The horror of The Heretic is its desperate attempt to cling to its predecessor’s glory, while derailing so quickly and horrifically, nothing is left but a shell of what could have been an ok film and another 90 minutes to sit through.

But hey, it’s not all bad for Linda Blair. Just check out all of this awesome modeling work she did in the early 80’s.

Salty says:
Watching The Heretic is like being in a serious accident: you don’t really know what’s happening or why when it’s going on, but you are pretty sure that it’s really, really bad and you just want it to be over. You wish you had avoided it, but you just have to let it play out. Then, once it ends and you get some distance on it and you start taking in the details, you start to question it. Why is that doctor’s office full of glass walls? Was that even a doctor’s office? Why did that man have a strobe light on his forehead? What the fuck was up with those moths? Isn’t that the dude from Field of Dreams? Why doesn’t that skyscraper’s balcony have a complete railing? What is this movie about? Did the person I watched this movie with slip me some drugs? I have only scratched the surface here. This movie creates questions upon questions.

And afterwards the movie haunts you, and for a while you can’t relate to people who haven’t had the same experience, but you bond intensely with those who have. You may try to explain it to friends and loved ones, but they don’t understand unless they experience it for themselves. So, you try to move on and pretend it didn’t happen, but it becomes the standard by which you compare all other bad you films you’ve seen. I am not kidding; this is what seeing The Heretic is like. How did this move not obliterate a lot of people’s careers? Was this movie the result of a bet? Does anyone like this movie? I don’t know any of the answers to any of the questions that I have put forth here.

Corey says:
Before I start on II, let me give you my interpretation of the star ratings that we use here at the ole’ House.  

☆ :  Garbage.  Very little (if any) redeeming quality. 

☆☆ :  There’s some good stuff in there, you just have to look for it a little. 

☆☆☆  A film that must be watched.

I want to emphasize that 3 star rating: a film that must be watched.  It doesn’t say it has to be good.  And now, Exorcist II.

This film is baffling in how bad it is.  I’m not sure if bad is even the correct word for it.  If you haven’t seen II, I must insist.  To just try to put into words how I feel about the film, much less the quality, is very difficult.

First, Reagan’s back! Hooray!  Let’s hook her up to this weird sci-fi brain thingy!  Repressed memories GO!  Now James Earl Jones, and Africa, and Pazuzu! And bugs, don’t forget the bugs!  Some dudes fall off of a cliff!  Reagan can heal the sick!  Roll credits!

Ok, did that last paragraph make sense?  No?  Good.  Now, imagine how that is my review of II, keeping in mind... I give it three stars.

Maire	Corey	Salty
☆	☆☆☆	☆

The Exorcist - introducing Linda Blair

Maire says:
Woo, I’ve actually seen this one before!

Aside from being a classic, The Exorcist gives us much more than warm fuzzy memories. I feel like this is the franchise the established the trope of privileged white parent(s) with a demon possessed child. It also brought the whole exorcism ritual into pop culture. Seriously, I think I know all of the text and hub bub thanks to this franchise and The Omen franchise. And it made Linda Blair’s career! Well, for a moment anyway.

Chances are, you’ve seen this one too, so I won’t ramble. And if you haven’t seen it, go watch it. It’s pretty good.


Corey says:
This was the first time that I had viewed the “super scary pants-shitting fuck fuck fuck” version of the already terrifying Exorcist.  To add to the pot ‘o fun, this was also the first time viewing the film in over a decade.  And let me tell you: this bad boy holds up.

One of the most interesting things about this film is that much of the “scary” comes from the awful realism and desperation that Dimmy and company have to face.  There’s no fun in the film.  No camp.  Very little gore. The only jump scenes are very subtle (let’s play spot the Capt. Howdy!), which makes them even more terrifying. And yet I am horrified by what William Friedkin put together.

It’s the kind of horror that builds in you, like a cancer.  At first, I’m just uncomfortable.  So a little girl pissed herself in the middle of a party, no big deal.  Then there’s some spooky shaking.  Kind of weird, ok.  And then it just keeps going.  It keeps hitting you with escalating acts of defilement.  And that spider walk.  Fuck that spider walk.

This is one of the few films that we’ll watch that I think still affects me the same way that it did the first time I watched it.  It’s a masterpiece, and it’s status as one of the greatest of all time is well deserved.


Salty says:
Catholics go out of their way to hate themselves. What an unusual dogma: love the weak, the poor, the meager and the sick because they are blessed - but you, you’re scum, born into sin and damnation, you had better spend the rest of your life trying to make up for your own offensive existence or you’ll spend eternity filleting yourself and diving into salt or whatever. This is one of the most popular religions in the world. At least they've got good demons.

When I watch The Exorcist this is what comes to mind. For some reason - though I've seen the movie half a dozen times at least - I always forget about the Father-Karras-dying-mother subplot that is so depressing. It always catches me off guard. Instead of expecting to watch a tutorial on how to glut on self-loathing, I always remember the film as a kind of party with my dream demon the way The Murderdolls portray it in Love At First Fright, which, I believe, is the way most of the world remembers it. That is, the world and I remember a joyride with blasphemy and spinning heads and pea soup. I watch the movie to see Reagan scream “Let Jesus fuck you!” and do the blood vomiting crab-walk and to enjoy all the other rank and belching shenanigans Captain Howdy brings with him.

And the film works it’s way to those things, but you have to make a lot of other stops. First there is the sad life of Karras, then the pissing on the carpet, both of which are difficult to watch. And then we go to the hospital for tests. The tests are the worst. While it’s always funny to watch people smoke in the hospital, but advanced painful medical tests performed on a screaming young girl are not fun to watch, and it's around this time that I usually forget that I put this movie on to have fun with the devil and I start thinking that maybe I remembered wrong and that this movie isn't a joke to have fun with, but instead it’s very disturbing film. Then comes the Father’s visit to his mom in the asylum and Reagan’s mother’s despairing plea for information on how to go about getting an exorcism, and I know that the movie’s goal is to make me feel ashamed to watch it, and I kind of do.

So, by the time I get to the goods that I've been waiting for - that I looked forward to with a smile on my face - it’s not so easy to smile, because the movie is so serious that it makes you see the horror even if you only wanted to just revel in the weirdness and the chaos, and catholic or not, I am certain that I don’t want to hang out with a demon, regardless of his rank on a ship, and I start to think that maybe I should hate myself a little for thinking that I would. That’s how I know that the film was made by Catholics. Way to go fetus-huggers.

Maire	Corey	Salty
☆☆	☆☆☆	☆☆☆

Closing the Curtain on Psycho

We can look back now with fond memories at the highs and the lows that came from that peek into a high-rise building in a Southwestern city where we found Marion Crane who would become a victim. She was not the first or the last, but the one that we remember the fondest, because she helped set the standard. We participated in a crime and as we watched her reach for us through that low-flow stream of hard motel water, begging for more defensive wounds, she taught us something. She taught us that this is what you should fear. Not vampires and werewolves or mummies and gorillas, but sudden unexpected death at the hands of madness in the midst of an adventure. And through her sacrifice we met a nice young man, though he was admittedly a little inordinate. He killed a lot of people, but we like him anyway, so we leave him with wife and child on the way. Norman Bates killed dozens and now he’s going to be a family man, Charlie never killed anyone and he’ll be locked up until the day he dies. Life is funny.

Genre fans and those with Wikipedia access and spare time may be wondering about The Bates Motel. Well we here at the House of Sequels couldn't track that down, but we’ll keep an eye on the “rare DVD’s” tables at the next convention we attend. In the meantime, we've pulled off of the main highway for long enough, the time has come to continue the journey and we've got a long way to go: all the way to Washington D.C. where a young girl as been acting strange lately, it seems she may be getting sick and no medical tests can locate the problem.

But before we go we make a mark for those who want to follow in our footsteps, we want you to learn from our work and save ourselves from having to answer the same question over and over. So, using the 3-star rating system you may or may not have noted at the end of our posts as well as the power of democracy we at the House of Sequels humbly present the true fruits of our labors: a best to worst list of the franchise! Disagree with us? Tell us in the comments below! (We’re not going to change it, but we like feedback)

Franchise Ranking*
Psycho	☆☆☆☆
Psycho IV	☆☆☆
Psycho II	☆
Psycho III	☆
Psycho '98	shit pickle**

*Post about Franchise Ranking coming soon!
**See Franchise Ranking post.

Please Enter... the House of Sequels!

It started as a joke, one of those "wouldn't-it-be-cool-if" sort of ideas that you quickly forget about.  I don't remember what we were watching the first time I presented the idea to watch all of the greats, but I imagine it was during a viewing of one of the big boys. (I'd like to say it was Hellraiser, but that's surely hindsight bias).  The rest of the gang thought it would be fun, in the way that eating the giant steak in under an hour at the Big Texan would be fun. Everyone had a good laugh, and the idea got swept under the table until the next time we were watching a great, and I had forgotten that I had already brought the idea up before.

And then Salty brought over The List.

I'd like to say that it was inked in human blood and bound in human flesh, but in reality it was just pencil and stuffed in a pocket until it came to rest on my study table.  Written on a shopping list, it denoted every franchise and sequel (later modified by The Rules) that we would have to (HAVE TO) watch. It had everything, from venerable titles like A Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th to complete shitpickles like Leprechaun and Puppet Master.  It was daunting. It was merciless (did you know that there's like 8 sequels to Children of the Corn?).  It was, once I saw the extent of what it would entail, the dumbest idea I've ever had.

So we decided to do it.

Now, here we are.  More than anything, this blog is a chronicle of our adventure.  We're putting this together to leave a record that yes, we did this ridiculous thing.  We want to have some sort of document that we can point people to when they say, "Did you REALLY watch Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave?"  But we’re also doing this for you, those folks we somehow conned into reading this.  Some of these films you may have never seen before.  Or maybe it’s been 20 years since you’ve seen The Exorcist, and you kind of remember what happens, but you don’t remember how you felt about it.  Or, you want to read about some poor saps that had to sit through a series that has one decent film and a bunch of direct-to-video crapfest sequels.

Step inside the House of Sequels.  It’s kind of dusty, but we think we’ll be hospitable enough for you to want to stick around.