Damien: The Omen Dos

Maire says:
Our little spawn of Satan is growing up nicely. He has a friend, does well at military school, and is finally getting his minions more under his control. Heck, his entrepreneurial vision would make even today's Republicans weep tears of joy. But alas, those pesky daggers keep showing up. However, this is Lil' Satan, and he's not going to let a dagger even think of getting near him.

This movie has some awesome deaths if only for their randomness. That guy who won't go along with the new agricultural plan? Have him fall through the ice and die. Someone else in the company acting fishy? Chemical spill. Meshach Taylor Figure out your secret? Cut him in half with a elevator cable!

So to sum up, good random deaths, not so awesome storyline.

Also, my last paragraph is actually at the end of this post (I totally didn't write it, but I'll ride the tide).

Corey says:
Finally, a fucking kid that can fucking act. Jesus CHRIST, how many fucking movies with doe-eyed doped up scene killers did we have to watch before we found one that didn’t shit the bed? Sheesh.

Anyway, I think the guy who directed II must’ve had a rough time with puberty. First, we start off with a 12 or 13 year old boy. Some dude gives him a book to read (The Bible, or The Hair Down There? You be the judge), and then he finds his first pube (or the 666 on his head, but hey, this is my damned story). After that, he’s unsure of himself. Will he be the same person he was? Will he turn into some sort of testosterone (or Satanic, whatever) beast?

Further in the film, he tries to talk about his problems with his cousin. Maybe he’s going through the same thing! But when Damien pulls out his hairy wang, the kid’s all like “ew, gross, get away from me!”. So in a testosterone fueled (or Satanic, once again) rage, he beats this kid to death (or explodes his brain). Looks like raging hormones wins the fight once again!

Also some dude gets trapped under some ice and drowns, and then another dude gets crushed by a train. Those scenes were pretty cool, I guess.

Salty says:
If I could choose to watch any part of the Antichrist’s life, it would be the part where he finds out what he is. What would it be like to find out that the purpose for your existence is to bring an end to all things? And to find out in the midst of puberty no less! Hey Sally, do want to go neck? I just found out that I’m the devil’s son – no big deal. Plus, my mustache is really coming in. It’s the perfect time to find out that you are not only able, but expected to commit any sin you want, especially if you are in military school and there are no chicks around. Unfortunately for Damien’s budding libido, Lance Henriksen steps in and gives him the same speech Uncle Ben gives Peter Parker: with great power comes great responsibility.

Still the movie is good and unexpectedly stark. Apparently, there are consequences to trying to bring about Armageddon. For one, people are out to kill you, but fear not, magical daggers are hard to come by and evil forces have seen to it that they are buried deep in ancient rock… Oh, the powers of good still got the daggers and they found a sweet fresco. Well whatever. The Antichrist has bigger things to worry about, like taking field trips to factories and going ice-skating. He’s got normal teenager problems, like getting picked on for being from a powerful family (ooh that stings! Fortunately, none of the other kids find out that his mother is a dog) and being forced to give his best friend a brain aneurysm after his true identity is revealed (that’s normal, right?). This is the day-to-day life of Lucifer Jr.

Damien does get some benefits. A somber choir performs a cover of a Fantomas song every time he does something Antichrist-y, which includes, but is not limited to getting back at anyone that pisses him off, repercussion free. Plus, he has a built-in group of dedicated friends, though, to be fair, they seem more interested in furthering him on his journey to kill god’s creation than playing paper, rock, scissors and stuff (however, Lance Henriksen is really good at that game where you stab a knife between your fingers as fast as you can). And he has his animal posse, which now includes some crows that hate eyeballs in addition to his canine brethren. The best part, however would be answering to the duties of the job: riding horses (because the Antichrist is rich) willing people dead (it’s not Rube-Goldberg contraptions this time!) and burning down a museum (which I am sure many teenagers would love to do, because teenagers think museums are boring. Because teenagers are dumb).

Overall, the movie is a very interesting take on the ups and downs of what this young man’s life would be. The only drawback is that by this point an Omen III is clearly already in the pipeline, so you are reminded that this is the interesting chapter in an otherwise slow-paced and dry story. Of course, if you are following the series chronologically, you may be thinking that the series is really starting to get warmed up and that the next installment is going to go all the way and blow your mind - *spoiler alert* it’s not.

Maire	Corey	Salty
☆☆	☆☆	☆☆☆

The Omen, or: Hey, kids can be scary! Seriously!

The Omen theme is amazing. When you hear that choir singing some Latin satanic mumbo jumbo, you know that you’re in for a ride. Unfortunately, not all of the Omen films use the awesome score, and not all of the Omen films are worth half a shit.

The Omen series is interesting in that there isn't really a standout film in the series. Each film has its merits and flaws. While I can’t pick out a worst film in the series (ok, I can, but you’re going to have to read on), I can’t pick out a best either. Of all the classic series, this might be the most milquetoast one.

To the devil stuff!

The Omen - It's all for you!

Maire says:
Hooray for Catholic conspiracy! Too bad Satan saw right through your plan. Silly church!

This movie is kinda great. Every attempt to discover the true evil of Damien is thwarted in the best ways - need to find the record of his birth? Hospital burned down and destroyed all of the records and most of the people working. Photographer finds some “interesting smudges” suggesting danger? Dog attack. Need to kill Damien with a bunch of daggers to stop his evil? Cop will shoot you before the first downstroke.

As a bonus, if you want to have an abortion, but your husband won’t let you, Damien will fix that little problem for you. And then his nanny will push you out of the hospital window while you’re recuperating.

Like I said, this movie is kinda great.

Corey says:
To start, this film has one of the purest devotions to Satan I've ever seen in a film.
"It's all for you!".

It's all for you. And then she just jumps. It's beautiful in the simplicity and execution. And it shows just how awful religion, any religion, can be.

But it's cooler here, 'cuz it's the devil. And the devil is cool.

One of the highlights of this film for me is the amazing David Warner. This dude has played some evil marter farters during his career. He was Master Control in Tron, he played that evil ass Cardassian who tortured almost naked Picard... What can't this guy do?

Avoid sheet glass that'll decapitate him, that's what.

Decapitations and jumping nannies notwithstanding, The Omen suffers under the weight of a film that is based around a child that is not actually centered on the child. You get the feeling that they fed Damien a bunch of Benadryl during the shooting of the film. Unless this kid is screaming at the top of his lungs, he looks like he just smoked his first blunt at a Cypress Hill concert. For Christ's sake, you're the antichrist! Try to show some pizazz in being bored out of your skull.

Fucking kids. Don’t know how to fucking act.

Furthermore, the middle of this film takes FOREVER. I don't care about Gregory Peck playing detective. I just care about the sinister revelations. The buildup to the part where they show Damien's mom's grave has a dog in it? Just give me the dog part. All that ridiculous bullshit about Damien's foster mom? Just have the new nanny off her and get it over with.

Salty says:
Are you making a film about the antichrist? I’m in. I can’t help it, when it comes to movies about Lucifer and his mischievous doings I can’t resist. From Rosemary’s Baby to Devil Dog (yeah, there’s a movie called Devil Dog and I like it), I don’t know what it is exactly, but it doesn’t matter what Satanic schlock you’ve made, I’ll give you some money and an hour and a half. Do you like To The Devil A Daughter? Me too! Do you want to hear the gospel according to Alucarda? Pull up an uncomfortable pew. We all have our weaknesses, and yet, in spite of mine, I would be reluctant to say that I even like The Omen.

In its efforts to bring the story to date (for the 1970’s), the film strips out of a lot of clichés. Gone are the Brotherhood of Satan robed figures with their black candles and epic monologues and in their place we get some “as-is” neurotics emerging from the shadows to protect the Devil’s spawn. What motivations led them to a pact with Satan? All we know is that it’s all for Damien, whatever “it“ may be. You get the impression that all that evil has to rely on is an f-troop of church dropouts and stern mental patients. Gone too are the over-the-top incarnations of Satan or possession (we don’t even get any Eyes Wide Shut sex parties). There are no pits to hell or individuals distorted by an evil that infests their souls, no phlegm-laden baritones threatening do-gooders with damnation, nor any levitation, pyrokinesis, or even spontaneous expulsion of bodily fluids. Almost all of my favorite things about the subgenre have been cut out and discarded.

Instead we get Damien, a child born of a man and a dog (okay, that part is a really nice touch), who spends most of the film oscillating between sinister glances and looks of emotional indifference. A child who really can’t defend himself beyond calling for minions to assist him lest there be no apocalypse. Damien is the selling point of a film that plays more like a redundant religious version of Clue (Sinister Coincidence in the street with the plate-glass – *spoiler* Sinister Coincidence is always the killer) than a real horror movie. People are dying around him due to some photograph-able (just because, that’s why) preternatural force that really likes to make deaths elaborate, and Damien is just around. Sure Damien is unholy – he’s rich, un-baptized and he’s got a cool birthday – but just because you need to be killed by special knives doesn’t mean you’re worthy of the sacrilegious adoration. Maybe it’s just that I don’t like kids.

So, if you want to watch a great movie about Satan try The Ninth Gate or even The Mephisto Waltz (I am honestly sorry that Alan Alda is not more horror movies) and let me know, I will bring the unguent and a big compass (nobody likes an asymmetrical pentagram), but if you want to spend a movie watching a bunch of people get killed to protect a pale autistic child you’ll have to get someone else to present you with the chalice of blood.

Maire	Corey	Salty
☆☆☆	☆☆	☆☆

Texas Franchise Review

That’s it from Texas for now. Put away you bible and your belt buckle and stop doing that to your sister, we are moving on. But it’s been good times, right? Cannibalism and torture, wearing human skin and eating dinner with your kidnap victim - it has been good times. We may be more confused than ever about how many relatives Leatherface has, but at least we can recommend which movies you should watch:

Franchise Ranking

Texas '04
Texas 2	☆☆☆☆
Texas '74	☆☆☆
Texas 3	☆
Texas the Beginning	☆
Texas Next Gen	φ
Texas 3D

Next up: The Omen.

Yeah, there are five of those.

*Salty can’t fucking believe that Texas 2 is not number one and is at a loss for words… other than these: Texas 2 is an amazing blend of a certain culture in a certain time period and seamlessly blends horror and comedy that is as black as a woodchuck’s asshole on a moonless night in a concoction fit for the most discerning connoisseur of horror. It is a travesty that a faithful representation of the films greatness is not presented here, but I have faith that you, anonymous reader will settle any question by going out and judging for yourself… or you could save yourself the trouble and take my word for it: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2 is the motherfucking shit.

**Okay, lets just agree that this list didn’t come out the way that anybody wanted.

Texas 3D - Please don't make me watch this ever again

Maire says:
I think the point of this movie is to destroy the franchise. It could have been good, but they did their best to make it horrible. Seriously, every character is so loathsome, that by the time they start dying, you wish it would have started sooner. And even then you’re left unfulfilled and curing those “damn kids these days”.

I won’t even talk about the 3D parts. Can we please leave this horrible idea back in the Captain EO exhibit, where it belongs?

If you’ve seen this movie, you have my sympathy, and I really hope it wasn't your introduction to the franchise.  Truly worthy of a shitpickle rating.

Corey says:
Hey! Bill Moseley plays Drayton Sawyer!  Cool!

Salty says:
Texas Chainsaw 3-D (which we watched in 2-D and still managed to understand it) starts off expecting its viewers to not have seen the original 1974 film. It wants you to know that there is some old film called The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but it wants you only to know that that old movie happened and there is a guy called Leatherface in it. That’s it. If you know anything else about the original movie, you will be alienated via continuity errors and character discrepancies. By the way, do you like rap in your horror movies? Okay, well it’s in there anyway. Seriously.

After a highlight reel from the original film we pick up exactly where the original left off. How exactly? The Black Maria is still parked outside the Sawyer house, that’s how exactly. Although apparently the Sawyer family has managed to asexually reproduce, because now there are like a dozen members (including Bill Moseley doing a creditable Drayton Sawyer, and Gunnar Hansen doing an even more creditable douchebag pseudo-intellectual cashing in on the lone highlight of his lackluster career - you suck, sir). A posse of vigilantes shows up and after a wild-west shootout Leatherface escapes to his aunt’s house down the road and one of the Sawyer family’s newly spawned babies is kidnapped. Seriously.

Cut to x years later (mysterious), the baby is grown up (with the Sawyer family crest burned onto her chest somehow) and she gets a letter that tells her that she has inherited the Sawyer estate, even though she was kidnapped and no one knows it blah, blah, blah she and her boyfriend and 2 other people go to check out the inheritance and pick up a shifty hitchhiker on the way who, in a surprising twist, tries to rob them blah, blah, blah Leatherface, now named Jebediah instead of Bubba or Tommy, is at the house and starts killing people blah, blah, blah her best friend and boyfriend are having an affair, though it works out fine, because they both get killed before anyone finds out blah, blah, blah she’s the only one left alive. Seriously.

Our protagonist escapes Leatherface only to fall into the hands of the police, who turn out to be at the whims of a corrupt former vigilante mayor! The mayor, having found out that this girl is a Sawyer, decides to have her killed. So he has her tied up in a factory and Leatherface shows up to kill everyone, but he finds out that this girl is his relative and they team up to kill those that would do them wrong. Now Leatherface and the girl are tentatively friends and they go back home to learn how to live with one another. So, it’s like a happy ending.


Seriously.

Maire	Corey	Salty
☆	☆	☆