Prom Night 5 - The New Babylon 5

Maire says:
What?! No Paul Zaza soundtrack? This movie is already off to a bad start! Wait, this isn’t even Hamilton High?! SHENANIGANS! And where the FUCK is Brock Simpson?!

Prom is dumb. Teenagers are really dumb. This movie is super dumb.

Corey says:
Oh man, where to begin?  This movie was AMAZING.  This was probably the best group of 20 and 30 somethings playing teenagers that I have ever seen.  I could barely tell through the pancake makeup and crow’s feet that these weren’t awkward teens at their senior prom!

And the prom, MAN don’t get me started!  This is almost exactly how I remembered things going.  I remember being able to get hotel rooms even though I was underaged and without a credit card.  Good thing that the prom was IN THE HOTEL!  How awesome is that!  And of course, who can forget how their high school prom venue looked like that awesome club from that video (except for the boobs and butts and booze, let’s not forget that these are underage 20-somethings, and that this movie is PG-13)!

My favorite part of this movie was how unpredictable it was.  Gettin’ your hair did, and you see that guy what killed your parents and almost you in the mirror… only to turn around and he’s not there?  Scriptwriting GENIUS.  Girl getting mad at her boyfriend and going up to the hotel room that they totally legally were able to rent, and the killer gets her?  DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING AT ALL!  Hiding from the killer under the bed, and there’s A BODY UNDERNEATH THERE!!!  How come no horror movie has ever thought of that before?

This movie blows.

Salty says:
This movie reveals the face of the killer right away and he is known as the killer throughout the whole film. What the fuck is that!? Look it doesn’t matter that you know throughout the whole movie that the killer is Sally’s leering older brother who is purported to be “into some weird stuff” from the first frame that you see him – the point is that you don’t see his him holding the bloody knife with that contorted look on his face until 45 seconds before the scene where he gets run over by the train thanks to the survivor girl’s deceased love-interest’s helpful German Shepard. These movies have a rhythm.

People have spent years looking for the perfect crab mask for their low budget horror film. To get the just the right mask is a major selling point for the film. Why else would anyone watch YouTube clips of Curtains? One reason that Halloween 4 blows (other than the fact that it killed one of the greatest fucking franchise ideas ever thunk) is that the mask is such a fuckup – people hate the Halloween 4 mask because it fails to capture the right spirit and it’s just a white mask! That’s it! Someone picked a featureless white mask that failed to live up to the hype of the old featureless white mask and it’s like someone added some poo to your intravenous saline solution – now there’s someone else’s poo in you! But this movie has the audacity to remove the whole mask concept. That’s like removing the ludicrous outfits from figure skating or the boobs from Miss America. It’s stupid!

There is no mask or ambiguity about who is doing the killings. There is no question about who the survivor girl is going to be. There is no challenge of any kind anywhere in the movie. The characters are all extremely unlikable, unredeemable and un-relatable. As I can find absolutely nothing worthwhile about this movie, I have to assume that I have fallen totally out of touch with a whole generation of horror and so I can’t really comment on the movie, because it’s totally out of context for me. BOO! (Not the scary kind the disapproving kind)

Maire	Corey	Salty
☆	☆	☆

Prom Night 4 - Schlock Galore!

Maire says:
This movie is GREAT! In fact, it’s terrible, but that’s what makes it so great. Plot line? Eh… sure… Effects? Nah! Wearing shoes to walk on a broken glass covered floor? That’s for punks! Repeatedly walking barefoot across aforementioned floor? Who wouldn’t?! Having any idea what is going on, and/or why anything is happening? Don’t even try! But hey, at least is has Brock Simpson! This time playing a priest. Yes, it goes as well as you’d expect.

Corey says:
Remember all that stuff about different prom dates for the Prom Nights that I put up in my last post?  Well, Prom Night IV is the crazy bitch that has downed a fifth of vodka before the limo ride, and will certainly do a line in the bathroom as soon as she gets to the gymnasium.

This movie is so bad, I didn't realize that Ezri Dax is in it.  As a main character.

The high point of this film, though, is the soundtrack, once again done by the ineffable Paul Zaza.

Salty says:

Two stars! I don't have to explain myself to you.

Maire	Corey	Salty
☆☆☆	☆	☆☆

Prom Night 3 - What's In It For Me?

Maire says:
I’ll tell ya what’s in it for me - laughs! This is the one movie in the franchise that just lays it out as a schlock comedy horror. The gore is schlocky, predictable, and poorly done, but that’s just what makes it all the more better.

Unfortunately, the ending ended up a bit too much for my tastes, but at least Brock Simpson returned to the screen. This time as Officer Larry!

Corey says:
You know, after watching enough of these movies, you start to notice a (severely unintentional) theme. Bear with me for a moment. Now, imagine all of the Prom Night films as actual prom night dates. Sounds dumb, right? BUT WAIT.

Prom Night: The awkward wallflower with a homemade plain dress. She’s there, but she’s not much to look at, and at the end of the night, she’ll still be sitting close to the punch bowl, maybe reading a book or something.

Prom Night II: This is that crazy hot troublemaker that everyone wanted to get with, but for some reason she picked YOU. She’s got a mouth on her, and she knows how to use it. You know you’re in for a wild ride where you’re gonna either end up with your pants off, or dead… and either conclusion is acceptable.

This leads us to Prom Night III: The Last Kiss. This is another one of those girls that everyone thinks is hot, and once again (you lucky dog), she picks you! However, there’s gonna be no hanky panky here. Just when you think you’re gonna get to second base, *poof* you’re on the dance floor, doing the Lindy Hop for some god awful reason! Every time, every goddamn time you start to get somewhere with this chick, she pulls the ol’ switcheroo and nothing happens.

Now to be fair, this isn’t necessarily III’s fault. We had to watch the TV edit, because that’s all there fucking is in America to watch. So, I guess it’s more like going to the prom with a hot young lass that’s had a full frontal… lobotomy. Nice to look at, but you know this shit ain’t goin’ nowhere.

At least most of the music, which was expertly put together by the amazing Paul Zaza, made it through the edits mostly intact.

Salty says:
The Last Kiss starts well. Mary Lou is back and now she is in love with a new student at Hamilton High only she’s dead and he’s not. Anyone that messes with her man-boy gets a taste of campy death. A Nightmare on Elm Street not only gave The Killer a medium-well face, it gave The Killer a very rambunctious personality. Not only does he kill you, but he insults you too! Unfortunately for us, the personality driven maniac was quickly given one-liners and goofy set-up gags for murders. The Last Kiss has enough of this that you may begin to think that most of the screenwriting time was spent picking out which puns to use (all of which are too embarrassingly unfunny to repeat here).

Also, God help me, there are some character inconsistencies that I really don’t like. Maybe it says something about my self-esteem that I really like the callous Mary Lou from the previous film. Her only concern was that she was having fun at the expense of anyone that happened to pass by on her path to revenge. She was evil for her own vengeful sake and that was that, but now she’s in love with some dude and playing these head games with him while she kills to impress him or something. Maybe if the nudity wasn’t edited out I would be a little more appreciative, but even a really nice set of the world’s cheapest special effects couldn’t have saved this one.

Maire	Corey	Salty
☆☆	☆☆	☆