Omen IV - The Awakening

Maire says:
Why yes, that is the passage describing the wall in the Exorcist 2.

If I had seen this movie in 1991, all of the psychic crystal mumbo jumbo probably wouldn’t have seemed as horrible. Wait, it probably would have.

Side note: The trailer for this is mostly footage of I, II, and III.

Ok, so this time around, Satan’s spawn is a little girl who tries to suffer from bitchy resting face. She’s your typical mute daddy’s girl who happens to be really good at killing people who piss her off. Each kindergarten scene is just gold, and the only reason this gets two stars.

Another side note: Did you know that there is an Omen wiki?

But wait, what’s this?! Ok, so that’s a wacky lil’ twist. Chimera’s are always tricky, but they usually don’t get into uterine implantation. Also, why can’t Satan be a girl? Hmph!

Last side note: You may have guessed based on the other side notes, I don’t remember too much about this film. That may, or may not be on purpose.


Corey says:
Usually, once a venerable series such as the Omen franchise hits the TV film adaptation part of its life, you can pretty much rest assured that the film is going to shit the bed. It’s going to be directed and written by people who don’t have any connection to the original film (and it’s entirely possible they haven’t seen it), and they hire actors off the street like rich folk do with Mexican day workers.

“Hey, I need a child to play the antichrist! Anyone here do that?”
“Well, I’m a little girl that cried in a commercial once.”
“You’ll do!”

It almost feels like the writers of IV used a dartboard as their major creative outlet.

“Ok, we need a protagonist” Throws dart.
“Perfect! New Age psychic nanny! And she can take the antichrist to a…..” Dart.
“Wacky psychic bullshit fair! Where the antichrist….” Dart.
“Sets all this shit on fire, because even SHE knows this plot is crap!”

The strange part about this movie is that it totally sucks, BUT the ridiculous bullshit parts almost make it worth watching. Setting stuff on fire for no reason? Cool. The girlchild is actually holding a fetus that she impregnates into her mom that is actually, really the antichrist? That could have been the stuff of movie legend.

If only it wasn’t a stupid bullshit made for TV movie.


Salty says:
Oh those antichrists, they’re popping up all over the place. You take three movies and do away with Damien Thorne in a half-assed ending and then BLAM a new bringer of the apocalypse shows up to be adopted by some other up and coming political family. Sound like a remake? Well it’s not… okay, it sort of is, in that the plot hits a lot of familiar marks: an adopted baby grows up and doesn’t seem to fit in with the other kids and the mom starts to suspect that something is unholy, but the dad thinks she’s just overreacting and then mom gets pregnant and fears for the safety of her new child so she hires a detective (who wanders into a musical before getting killed by a possessed wrecking ball), and there are Rottweilers, and politics and upside-down crosses (good for a drinking game) and Latin songs about the devil, etc. So… it’s a remake? Nope, the film acknowledges the original three films, eventually explaining (not that you’ll care by the time they get to it) that our new hellion is in fact Damien’s daughter, who bears the structurally similar name Deidra York.

What little fun there is to be had is brought by the attempts to modernize the original film, like the scene where the cast takes a trip to the new age medicine circus. That’s right, it’s a whole circus for hippies with phrenologists, palm reading, magic crystals, patchouli and clowns (there are a lot of clowns in this movie for some reason, they don’t really contribute to the plot or anything, they’re just around). Yes, all of the worst parts of a circus in a single place, which may seem like a bad idea until the antichrist shows up and sets the whole thing on fire. Thanks antichrist! How else are you going to try to win my heart? By telling some Jehovah’s Witness’ that they suck and ripping up their crappy pamphlet? You’re the best!

But killing stinky con-people and dissing blood-hoarders is not all this new antichrist has to offer. Even though she is only eight or something (I have no idea how old any kids are by sight) she takes a punch to the face from the local fat kid without breaking a sweat. Instead of crying about it she keeps her cools and gets her revenge by convincing the bully to climb a random ladder and piss his pants– that’ll show you, woman beater! Then she carves “Krug” into his chest and rapes him and kills him…wait that’s not right… but she does kill his dad. Nobody really talks about it though.

So she’s into women’s rights, and against carnies and Christian cults are you ready to pledge your allegiance to the dark master? Well, don’t waste your time, because - SURPRISE! - she’s not the antichrist! What!?!? Yeah, she’s just Damien’s daughter who was born with the antichrist in her prenatal womb and rather than give birth to it herself, there are a series of injuries that allow the evil family doctor to extract the embryo and implant it in her adopted mother without her mother’s knowledge. So the real antichrist is not Deidre, but instead it is Deidre’s adopted mother’s son, who we think is Deidra’s little brother, but is actually this weird incest baby who is actually Deidra’s kid, and still her actual brother, because Damien, the guy we thought was the antichrist before, but turned out not be (because he lost), is Deidre’s dad! The genealogy tree just has some wavy lines here.
That’s really the plot.

Maire	Corey	Salty
☆☆	☆☆	☆

Omen III - The Final Conflict, but not the final movie

Maire says:
Kill all the babies! One of ‘em is the second coming! Then all the priests, cos one of the babies got away.

Satan is now the dapper looking president of Thorn Industries, and has just been offered the position of ambassador in England. Yes, that should sound familiar. But Damien is way better than his “father” since he has harnessed the power of mind control and amassed an army of followers to do his bidding. He’s even used this power to get on the good side of his hot reporter girlfriend’s son.

But this movie is subtitled The Final Conflict, so obviously some final epic battle between good and evil will occur. Will our all powerful fallen angel win? Almost, until his girlfriend comes and screws everything up. It’s not like he killed her son on purpose. It’s just those damn pesky daggers showed up again. And then she literally backstabbed him with one. Satan defeated, peace on earth, yadda yadda yadda.

Moral of the story, if you want to rule the world with your supreme evil power, don’t date a single mother.

Corey says:
First off, Sam Neill stars in one of the better horror movies that I’ve ever seen.

No, it’s not this one.

I think one of the most interesting things about Omen III is the emergence of the Anti-Antichrist. I mean, you know. Jesus. Or whatever. This is kind of an interesting idea when it comes to the Satanic film. I could be wrong (and Salty is the authority when it comes to this specific genre, so I could consult with him, but referring to my memory is hilarious for everyone else involved), but usually we just have a bumbling priest or private dick trying to thwart Satan, an unholy supernatural force. That doesn’t seem fair, does it? Every Moriarity needs his Holmes.

Regardless, poor ol’ Damien Thorn has to refer to what those old bad guys did back in the day to get rid of this Jesus guy: Kill some fuckin’ BABIES, man. YES. Every dude who was born on the night this wacky astronomical phenomenon (which had some AWESOME special effects in that observatory) occurs is getting the axe, baby. Surely, surely it will work this time.

It didn’t work.

There are some fun nods to the original in III, mainly Damien’s rise to power as an ambassador. And those pesky Megiddo daggers are still around. And the Antichrist is in the movie. And some Bible stuff, I guess.

Salty says:
If I were the son of Satan - the true antichrist - I too would invest in a room with a sad wooden Jesus crucified backwards (to assure the proper amount of sacrilege - thanks for ruining the upside-down cross for the rest of St. Peter) and I too would stand behind it in a vaguely homosexual position while I whispered all of my evil plans into the deaf ears of my nemesis’ mannequin. I too would hang out with guys who have nothing better to do with their time than rig up elaborate suicides to assure that their gory demises are witnessed by their unsuspecting secretaries and whichever poor schleps have decided to pay them a visit. I too would order any potential threat killed in the sleaziest possible way, especially if that meant demanding innocent babies be murdered in their sleep just on the slim chance that they may be the Second Coming according to some astrological mumbo-jumbo. Why? Because that’s the kind of stuff that the antichrist does, that’s why.

The Omen series does a great job of showing the ascent of the antichrist from dark beginnings to reluctant youth to the groomed adult embracing his destiny as the bringer of the apocalypse. The films take care to establish a meticulously crafted antihero, simultaneously making Damien cold and evil, yet likable with the confidence of his actions and his generally badass disposition. This being Damien’s final appearance, The Omen III does almost everything it should as a film about the antichrist finally gearing up for the final one-on-one battle between good and evil. I say almost, because of I could have used a little more evil (Killing babies is not enough? No, it’s not. This is the antichrist we’re talking about.), and while I appreciate that as a politician the antichrist has to make sure his hands are somewhat clean, it is the notion that the filmmakers held back on the depths of evil that the bringer of the apocalypse would delve to that leave me as the viewer wanting.

Without the Satan’s son’s blackest heart on display, the film’s only potential salvation lies in it’s foreboding subtitle: The Final Conflict. By this point in the series, I am rooting for Damien and anticipating a titanic battle between omnipotent forces that will kick off the end of the world with bated breath. Instead, what do I get for my 3-film investment? A lackluster scene in an abandoned church with some crappy music, some strobe lights and a lame quote that is supposed to leave me feeling like I didn’t get ripped off. No battle, no real struggle at all, just the forces of good taking a few seconds out of their otherwise slow day to destroy The Harbinger of Hell On Earth the same way a person might remember that a stove burner is on and then flick it off without drama or tension. They might as well have had Damien collapse dead of a stroke or get into a car accident or something. The ending is almost an insult and does nothing but assures the viewer that watching these three films was a waste of his/her time.

Then they made another sequel for you to watch.

Maire	Corey	Salty
☆☆	☆	☆☆

Damien: The Omen Dos

Maire says:
Our little spawn of Satan is growing up nicely. He has a friend, does well at military school, and is finally getting his minions more under his control. Heck, his entrepreneurial vision would make even today's Republicans weep tears of joy. But alas, those pesky daggers keep showing up. However, this is Lil' Satan, and he's not going to let a dagger even think of getting near him.

This movie has some awesome deaths if only for their randomness. That guy who won't go along with the new agricultural plan? Have him fall through the ice and die. Someone else in the company acting fishy? Chemical spill. Meshach Taylor Figure out your secret? Cut him in half with a elevator cable!

So to sum up, good random deaths, not so awesome storyline.

Also, my last paragraph is actually at the end of this post (I totally didn't write it, but I'll ride the tide).

Corey says:
Finally, a fucking kid that can fucking act. Jesus CHRIST, how many fucking movies with doe-eyed doped up scene killers did we have to watch before we found one that didn’t shit the bed? Sheesh.

Anyway, I think the guy who directed II must’ve had a rough time with puberty. First, we start off with a 12 or 13 year old boy. Some dude gives him a book to read (The Bible, or The Hair Down There? You be the judge), and then he finds his first pube (or the 666 on his head, but hey, this is my damned story). After that, he’s unsure of himself. Will he be the same person he was? Will he turn into some sort of testosterone (or Satanic, whatever) beast?

Further in the film, he tries to talk about his problems with his cousin. Maybe he’s going through the same thing! But when Damien pulls out his hairy wang, the kid’s all like “ew, gross, get away from me!”. So in a testosterone fueled (or Satanic, once again) rage, he beats this kid to death (or explodes his brain). Looks like raging hormones wins the fight once again!

Also some dude gets trapped under some ice and drowns, and then another dude gets crushed by a train. Those scenes were pretty cool, I guess.

Salty says:
If I could choose to watch any part of the Antichrist’s life, it would be the part where he finds out what he is. What would it be like to find out that the purpose for your existence is to bring an end to all things? And to find out in the midst of puberty no less! Hey Sally, do want to go neck? I just found out that I’m the devil’s son – no big deal. Plus, my mustache is really coming in. It’s the perfect time to find out that you are not only able, but expected to commit any sin you want, especially if you are in military school and there are no chicks around. Unfortunately for Damien’s budding libido, Lance Henriksen steps in and gives him the same speech Uncle Ben gives Peter Parker: with great power comes great responsibility.

Still the movie is good and unexpectedly stark. Apparently, there are consequences to trying to bring about Armageddon. For one, people are out to kill you, but fear not, magical daggers are hard to come by and evil forces have seen to it that they are buried deep in ancient rock… Oh, the powers of good still got the daggers and they found a sweet fresco. Well whatever. The Antichrist has bigger things to worry about, like taking field trips to factories and going ice-skating. He’s got normal teenager problems, like getting picked on for being from a powerful family (ooh that stings! Fortunately, none of the other kids find out that his mother is a dog) and being forced to give his best friend a brain aneurysm after his true identity is revealed (that’s normal, right?). This is the day-to-day life of Lucifer Jr.

Damien does get some benefits. A somber choir performs a cover of a Fantomas song every time he does something Antichrist-y, which includes, but is not limited to getting back at anyone that pisses him off, repercussion free. Plus, he has a built-in group of dedicated friends, though, to be fair, they seem more interested in furthering him on his journey to kill god’s creation than playing paper, rock, scissors and stuff (however, Lance Henriksen is really good at that game where you stab a knife between your fingers as fast as you can). And he has his animal posse, which now includes some crows that hate eyeballs in addition to his canine brethren. The best part, however would be answering to the duties of the job: riding horses (because the Antichrist is rich) willing people dead (it’s not Rube-Goldberg contraptions this time!) and burning down a museum (which I am sure many teenagers would love to do, because teenagers think museums are boring. Because teenagers are dumb).

Overall, the movie is a very interesting take on the ups and downs of what this young man’s life would be. The only drawback is that by this point an Omen III is clearly already in the pipeline, so you are reminded that this is the interesting chapter in an otherwise slow-paced and dry story. Of course, if you are following the series chronologically, you may be thinking that the series is really starting to get warmed up and that the next installment is going to go all the way and blow your mind - *spoiler alert* it’s not.

Maire	Corey	Salty
☆☆	☆☆	☆☆☆

The Omen, or: Hey, kids can be scary! Seriously!

The Omen theme is amazing. When you hear that choir singing some Latin satanic mumbo jumbo, you know that you’re in for a ride. Unfortunately, not all of the Omen films use the awesome score, and not all of the Omen films are worth half a shit.

The Omen series is interesting in that there isn't really a standout film in the series. Each film has its merits and flaws. While I can’t pick out a worst film in the series (ok, I can, but you’re going to have to read on), I can’t pick out a best either. Of all the classic series, this might be the most milquetoast one.

To the devil stuff!

The Omen - It's all for you!

Maire says:
Hooray for Catholic conspiracy! Too bad Satan saw right through your plan. Silly church!

This movie is kinda great. Every attempt to discover the true evil of Damien is thwarted in the best ways - need to find the record of his birth? Hospital burned down and destroyed all of the records and most of the people working. Photographer finds some “interesting smudges” suggesting danger? Dog attack. Need to kill Damien with a bunch of daggers to stop his evil? Cop will shoot you before the first downstroke.

As a bonus, if you want to have an abortion, but your husband won’t let you, Damien will fix that little problem for you. And then his nanny will push you out of the hospital window while you’re recuperating.

Like I said, this movie is kinda great.

Corey says:
To start, this film has one of the purest devotions to Satan I've ever seen in a film.
"It's all for you!".

It's all for you. And then she just jumps. It's beautiful in the simplicity and execution. And it shows just how awful religion, any religion, can be.

But it's cooler here, 'cuz it's the devil. And the devil is cool.

One of the highlights of this film for me is the amazing David Warner. This dude has played some evil marter farters during his career. He was Master Control in Tron, he played that evil ass Cardassian who tortured almost naked Picard... What can't this guy do?

Avoid sheet glass that'll decapitate him, that's what.

Decapitations and jumping nannies notwithstanding, The Omen suffers under the weight of a film that is based around a child that is not actually centered on the child. You get the feeling that they fed Damien a bunch of Benadryl during the shooting of the film. Unless this kid is screaming at the top of his lungs, he looks like he just smoked his first blunt at a Cypress Hill concert. For Christ's sake, you're the antichrist! Try to show some pizazz in being bored out of your skull.

Fucking kids. Don’t know how to fucking act.

Furthermore, the middle of this film takes FOREVER. I don't care about Gregory Peck playing detective. I just care about the sinister revelations. The buildup to the part where they show Damien's mom's grave has a dog in it? Just give me the dog part. All that ridiculous bullshit about Damien's foster mom? Just have the new nanny off her and get it over with.

Salty says:
Are you making a film about the antichrist? I’m in. I can’t help it, when it comes to movies about Lucifer and his mischievous doings I can’t resist. From Rosemary’s Baby to Devil Dog (yeah, there’s a movie called Devil Dog and I like it), I don’t know what it is exactly, but it doesn’t matter what Satanic schlock you’ve made, I’ll give you some money and an hour and a half. Do you like To The Devil A Daughter? Me too! Do you want to hear the gospel according to Alucarda? Pull up an uncomfortable pew. We all have our weaknesses, and yet, in spite of mine, I would be reluctant to say that I even like The Omen.

In its efforts to bring the story to date (for the 1970’s), the film strips out of a lot of clichés. Gone are the Brotherhood of Satan robed figures with their black candles and epic monologues and in their place we get some “as-is” neurotics emerging from the shadows to protect the Devil’s spawn. What motivations led them to a pact with Satan? All we know is that it’s all for Damien, whatever “it“ may be. You get the impression that all that evil has to rely on is an f-troop of church dropouts and stern mental patients. Gone too are the over-the-top incarnations of Satan or possession (we don’t even get any Eyes Wide Shut sex parties). There are no pits to hell or individuals distorted by an evil that infests their souls, no phlegm-laden baritones threatening do-gooders with damnation, nor any levitation, pyrokinesis, or even spontaneous expulsion of bodily fluids. Almost all of my favorite things about the subgenre have been cut out and discarded.

Instead we get Damien, a child born of a man and a dog (okay, that part is a really nice touch), who spends most of the film oscillating between sinister glances and looks of emotional indifference. A child who really can’t defend himself beyond calling for minions to assist him lest there be no apocalypse. Damien is the selling point of a film that plays more like a redundant religious version of Clue (Sinister Coincidence in the street with the plate-glass – *spoiler* Sinister Coincidence is always the killer) than a real horror movie. People are dying around him due to some photograph-able (just because, that’s why) preternatural force that really likes to make deaths elaborate, and Damien is just around. Sure Damien is unholy – he’s rich, un-baptized and he’s got a cool birthday – but just because you need to be killed by special knives doesn’t mean you’re worthy of the sacrilegious adoration. Maybe it’s just that I don’t like kids.

So, if you want to watch a great movie about Satan try The Ninth Gate or even The Mephisto Waltz (I am honestly sorry that Alan Alda is not more horror movies) and let me know, I will bring the unguent and a big compass (nobody likes an asymmetrical pentagram), but if you want to spend a movie watching a bunch of people get killed to protect a pale autistic child you’ll have to get someone else to present you with the chalice of blood.

Maire	Corey	Salty
☆☆☆	☆☆	☆☆

Texas Franchise Review

That’s it from Texas for now. Put away you bible and your belt buckle and stop doing that to your sister, we are moving on. But it’s been good times, right? Cannibalism and torture, wearing human skin and eating dinner with your kidnap victim - it has been good times. We may be more confused than ever about how many relatives Leatherface has, but at least we can recommend which movies you should watch:

Franchise Ranking

Texas '04
Texas 2	☆☆☆☆
Texas '74	☆☆☆
Texas 3	☆
Texas the Beginning	☆
Texas Next Gen	φ
Texas 3D

Next up: The Omen.

Yeah, there are five of those.

*Salty can’t fucking believe that Texas 2 is not number one and is at a loss for words… other than these: Texas 2 is an amazing blend of a certain culture in a certain time period and seamlessly blends horror and comedy that is as black as a woodchuck’s asshole on a moonless night in a concoction fit for the most discerning connoisseur of horror. It is a travesty that a faithful representation of the films greatness is not presented here, but I have faith that you, anonymous reader will settle any question by going out and judging for yourself… or you could save yourself the trouble and take my word for it: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2 is the motherfucking shit.

**Okay, lets just agree that this list didn’t come out the way that anybody wanted.

Texas 3D - Please don't make me watch this ever again

Maire says:
I think the point of this movie is to destroy the franchise. It could have been good, but they did their best to make it horrible. Seriously, every character is so loathsome, that by the time they start dying, you wish it would have started sooner. And even then you’re left unfulfilled and curing those “damn kids these days”.

I won’t even talk about the 3D parts. Can we please leave this horrible idea back in the Captain EO exhibit, where it belongs?

If you’ve seen this movie, you have my sympathy, and I really hope it wasn't your introduction to the franchise.  Truly worthy of a shitpickle rating.

Corey says:
Hey! Bill Moseley plays Drayton Sawyer!  Cool!

Salty says:
Texas Chainsaw 3-D (which we watched in 2-D and still managed to understand it) starts off expecting its viewers to not have seen the original 1974 film. It wants you to know that there is some old film called The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but it wants you only to know that that old movie happened and there is a guy called Leatherface in it. That’s it. If you know anything else about the original movie, you will be alienated via continuity errors and character discrepancies. By the way, do you like rap in your horror movies? Okay, well it’s in there anyway. Seriously.

After a highlight reel from the original film we pick up exactly where the original left off. How exactly? The Black Maria is still parked outside the Sawyer house, that’s how exactly. Although apparently the Sawyer family has managed to asexually reproduce, because now there are like a dozen members (including Bill Moseley doing a creditable Drayton Sawyer, and Gunnar Hansen doing an even more creditable douchebag pseudo-intellectual cashing in on the lone highlight of his lackluster career - you suck, sir). A posse of vigilantes shows up and after a wild-west shootout Leatherface escapes to his aunt’s house down the road and one of the Sawyer family’s newly spawned babies is kidnapped. Seriously.

Cut to x years later (mysterious), the baby is grown up (with the Sawyer family crest burned onto her chest somehow) and she gets a letter that tells her that she has inherited the Sawyer estate, even though she was kidnapped and no one knows it blah, blah, blah she and her boyfriend and 2 other people go to check out the inheritance and pick up a shifty hitchhiker on the way who, in a surprising twist, tries to rob them blah, blah, blah Leatherface, now named Jebediah instead of Bubba or Tommy, is at the house and starts killing people blah, blah, blah her best friend and boyfriend are having an affair, though it works out fine, because they both get killed before anyone finds out blah, blah, blah she’s the only one left alive. Seriously.

Our protagonist escapes Leatherface only to fall into the hands of the police, who turn out to be at the whims of a corrupt former vigilante mayor! The mayor, having found out that this girl is a Sawyer, decides to have her killed. So he has her tied up in a factory and Leatherface shows up to kill everyone, but he finds out that this girl is his relative and they team up to kill those that would do them wrong. Now Leatherface and the girl are tentatively friends and they go back home to learn how to live with one another. So, it’s like a happy ending.


Seriously.

Maire	Corey	Salty
☆	☆	☆