Prom Night 3 - What's In It For Me?

Maire says:
I’ll tell ya what’s in it for me - laughs! This is the one movie in the franchise that just lays it out as a schlock comedy horror. The gore is schlocky, predictable, and poorly done, but that’s just what makes it all the more better.

Unfortunately, the ending ended up a bit too much for my tastes, but at least Brock Simpson returned to the screen. This time as Officer Larry!

Corey says:
You know, after watching enough of these movies, you start to notice a (severely unintentional) theme. Bear with me for a moment. Now, imagine all of the Prom Night films as actual prom night dates. Sounds dumb, right? BUT WAIT.

Prom Night: The awkward wallflower with a homemade plain dress. She’s there, but she’s not much to look at, and at the end of the night, she’ll still be sitting close to the punch bowl, maybe reading a book or something.

Prom Night II: This is that crazy hot troublemaker that everyone wanted to get with, but for some reason she picked YOU. She’s got a mouth on her, and she knows how to use it. You know you’re in for a wild ride where you’re gonna either end up with your pants off, or dead… and either conclusion is acceptable.

This leads us to Prom Night III: The Last Kiss. This is another one of those girls that everyone thinks is hot, and once again (you lucky dog), she picks you! However, there’s gonna be no hanky panky here. Just when you think you’re gonna get to second base, *poof* you’re on the dance floor, doing the Lindy Hop for some god awful reason! Every time, every goddamn time you start to get somewhere with this chick, she pulls the ol’ switcheroo and nothing happens.

Now to be fair, this isn’t necessarily III’s fault. We had to watch the TV edit, because that’s all there fucking is in America to watch. So, I guess it’s more like going to the prom with a hot young lass that’s had a full frontal… lobotomy. Nice to look at, but you know this shit ain’t goin’ nowhere.

At least most of the music, which was expertly put together by the amazing Paul Zaza, made it through the edits mostly intact.

Salty says:
The Last Kiss starts well. Mary Lou is back and now she is in love with a new student at Hamilton High only she’s dead and he’s not. Anyone that messes with her man-boy gets a taste of campy death. A Nightmare on Elm Street not only gave The Killer a medium-well face, it gave The Killer a very rambunctious personality. Not only does he kill you, but he insults you too! Unfortunately for us, the personality driven maniac was quickly given one-liners and goofy set-up gags for murders. The Last Kiss has enough of this that you may begin to think that most of the screenwriting time was spent picking out which puns to use (all of which are too embarrassingly unfunny to repeat here).

Also, God help me, there are some character inconsistencies that I really don’t like. Maybe it says something about my self-esteem that I really like the callous Mary Lou from the previous film. Her only concern was that she was having fun at the expense of anyone that happened to pass by on her path to revenge. She was evil for her own vengeful sake and that was that, but now she’s in love with some dude and playing these head games with him while she kills to impress him or something. Maybe if the nudity wasn’t edited out I would be a little more appreciative, but even a really nice set of the world’s cheapest special effects couldn’t have saved this one.

Maire	Corey	Salty
☆☆	☆☆	☆

Prom Night II: Hello Mary Lou

Editor's note: There is not a funny subtitle for this post, because really, the actual subtitle is pretty great.

Maire says:
Prom Night II is one of those sequels that is better than the original. Sure, it keeps the same setting of Hamilton High, the awesome compositional skills of Paul Zaza, and the whole shit-is-gonna-go-down-on-prom-night! theme, while coming up with a completely new, but worth it, plot line. Seriously, how can you go wrong with possession, crucifix stabbing, telekinesis, and computer screen electrocution?

Also, Brock Simpson does a stellar job portraying Josh. Kudos to him for landing that role.

Corey says:
Salty gave us a bit of a talk before we watched Prom Night II. Long story short, he was all like “THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE HOLY FUCKING CHRIST. Except the last 10 minutes or so. Other than that it is GREATER THAN DIPPING YOUR BALLS IN LUKEWARM OLIVE OIL. But except for the last 10 minutes, which is a total letdown.”

You know what? That last 10 minutes ain’t too bad. I think he had… uh… un-hyped it to the point where I thought the climax was shortly going to be followed by an Edith Massey burlesque show (then again, that would be a sight). Instead, we get a kind of hokey (but not particularly awful) ending to a pretty neato film.

Overall, Hello Mary Lou does alright. I was super happy to see that, amongst the other name homages, Frank “What’s in the Basket” Henenlotter got a shout out. That guy doesn’t get enough credit. Unless it’s stuff he’d done recently that involves mutant man and lady bits that co-stars some weird third rate rapper buddies of his. I mean, I guess if that dude gave you like half the money needed to make the movie, then you should probably let him in your movie. Then again, giving Henenlotter that money meant that Bad Biology got made.

You know what? Fuck that rapper.

Anyway, the next time someone tells you that something is great, but the ending is awful? Don’t take their word for it! Unless it’s the last season of Dexter. And even if you don’t like the movie, at least it has a stunning soundtrack, expertly put together by the amazing Paul Zaza.

Salty says:
Hello Mary Lou is the bee’s knees. The 1980’s/1950’s mash up is perfect fit (see Back to the Future). It makes you remember why you love movies. Looking back on an old film that is looking at yet another period in time you get this strange layered experience. Both the periods synergize and make this even weirder period that never really existed, but you wish it would have. It’s like curved glass: one piece may shift things in a particular way and another in some different way, but assemble them in the right environment and - blamo! – telescope! This film is a rare treat, comparable to only a small subset of films like Hammer’s Frankenstein or Fritz Lang’s Metropolis. All period pieces must look unusual or kitschy to future viewers, but to continue to hold up to scrutiny and resist becoming unwatchable is an impressive feat that deserves recognition.

Don’t let my gushing distract from the movie itself, Hello Mary Lou is a schlocky horror film. The story is about a cruel high school student, the eponymous Mary Lou, accidentally burned to death (oh those pranks always go so wrong) at prom, her vengeful spirit escapes hell 30 years later through a props department box or something and possesses a young girl. No movie in which a possessed daughter starts to make out with her father after letting her super freaky rocking horse suck on her hand is going to win very many awards, but that’s okay, as a fan of horror I know this and accept it. The reward I get for my acceptance is the full frontal nudity in a scene that begins with an unexpected lesbian seduction and ends with a young girl getting crushed to death by the psychically induced implosion of the locker in which she is hiding. Worth it!

The biggest influences come from Carrie and A Nightmare on Elm Street with a dab or two of The Exorcist here and there, but these horror classics are blended and twisted into new and exciting forms so that the movie still maintains it’s own original storyline and vibe. There are some great visions of Hell, fun 80’s characters (fuck me gently with a chainsaw), a respectable 50’s soundtrack and a pretty good selection of what-the-hell-is-going-on moments that cross the line of absurdity in a good way.

The one cigarette burn in the celluloid is the ending. The film builds up this beautiful crescendo: we’re back at prom and Cynthia (she’s the main character) has just been shot, a gore-drenched Mary Lou emerges the bullet hole (you had to be there). Every time I watch the scene I get so jazzed up to watch an orgy of violent revenge on the innocent students of Hamilton High that I suddenly become a drunk at a football game and can’t resist screaming go get the bastards! Show those turds who’s boss! until my son’s coach tells me I’m disturbing the other parents and asks me to leave. I don’t know who that guy thinks he it, but a whistle isn’t a badge, you know? Then some crap happens and Hello Mary Lou ends flat as an armadillo on 66, but don’t let that make you forget how much fun you had watching Mary Lou kill that priest – this is a good film.

Maire	Corey	Salty
☆☆☆	☆☆☆	☆☆☆

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre : Bringing 1973 to 1973 in 2003

Maire says:
Disclaimer: I was at an advantage watching this one since we watched The Beginning beforehand. Thank you Corey and Salty. :)

As remakes go, I’m really alright with this one. Ok, we all know the story, so what can they do better. Well, the hitchhiker is a bit more crazy, so that was nice. The cop angle added a nice pickle as well. The gore is a bit more, but definitely within appropriate limits. I cringed. Ok, so there’s a baby, and I guess it being ok leaves you with a warm fuzzy? Yeah, I wouldn’t have put it in there either.

If you want a solid chainsaw massacre flick with an updated cast, please give this one a watch. It’s Maire approved.


Corey says:
For me the Texas Chainsaw Massacre reboot was one of the first films to kick off the remake revolution. Since it was released countless films have been redone, from other classics like A Nightmare on Elm Street and Halloween to cult darlings The Hills Have Eyes and Last House on the Left. (Disclaimer: Some of these remakes are good, and some are fucking garbage. Watch at your own discretion.) The 2000’s were the decade of remakes of films that I gave at least half a shit about. I guess everything old is new again at some point.

One of the more interesting decisions made for the reboot is that the powers that be decided to make the film true to the period of the original. While we can take this as a nod to the original, it really doesn’t serve that much of a purpose or stand out during the film. Most likely, we are tooling around in the 70’s because there’s no cell phones, and just not having them is much better than “oh. no. I don’t have service.” for the thousandth goddamn time.

Unfortunately, the family doesn’t take center stage nearly enough this time around for my taste. It’s almost all Leatherface all the time. Don’t get me wrong, the family does an alright job of trying to be the Sawyers (even though their names have been changed. Why? Fuck you, that’s why), but they aren’t as much of a focal point as they have been in previous outings. R. Lee Ermey is the shit, and plays the patriarch very well. He’s no Drayton, but he does ok. This time, there’s all SORTS of ladies helping out (I’ve never heard so much about tea in a film that wasn’t about tea in my goddamn life), and they brought another fucking kid into the mix. At least that goofy-toothed monosyllabic miscreant knew better than to get in the way too much. Fucking kids.

The reason that this film succeeds as a remake is because the people who made it knew who their audience was. In the olden days, horror films were drive-in fodder. You took a date and watched some schlock in the hopes that you’d get to see some tits (either on the screen or in your car). Throughout the years, though, these movies built a following. Gorehounds started watching the films because they liked them. Texas the remake isn’t about throwing a bunch of teens into a modern day situation with a tired old theme (I’m looking at you, Prom Night remake) in hopes to get one of the larger moviegoing demographics to see it. It’s made for the fans who watch the film for the film's sake.


Salty says:
The good horror movies are the ones that put you in an extreme situation and ask you to figure out how to handle it while the characters do the same – the better ones tend to let their character make more agreeable decisions. This remake of Texas does a great job of coming up with the situations and having its characters react well without letting thing work out nicely. In order to keep the surprises coming, the family is expanded into a town of sadists hell-bent on cannibalism.

In what I would like to think of as a tribute to our friend Franklin (remember those raspberries?) we are given a wheelchair-bound antagonist, a likably evil sheriff, and an assortment of scrawny and morbidly obese co-conspirators (oddly enough this amalgamation of the family most resembles the family presented in part 3) that work to keep the thrills a-comin’ with a lot of what-would-you-do scenes. And then there is a very respectable, very scary version of Leatherface. You really get the impression that this individual would be terrifying to be in a room with. Add a chainsaw to the mix, and all I would think to do is wet my pants, and hope that he fears urine.

Okay, I really dislike that they changed Leatherface’s name to Tommy or something, but otherwise minimal complaints.

Maire	Corey	Salty
☆☆☆	☆☆☆	☆☆☆

Well, look at that rating above there.  Hrm.  It looks like we've all finally agreed that a film deserves three stars.  Huh.