Prom Night 5 - The New Babylon 5

Maire says:
What?! No Paul Zaza soundtrack? This movie is already off to a bad start! Wait, this isn’t even Hamilton High?! SHENANIGANS! And where the FUCK is Brock Simpson?!

Prom is dumb. Teenagers are really dumb. This movie is super dumb.

Corey says:
Oh man, where to begin?  This movie was AMAZING.  This was probably the best group of 20 and 30 somethings playing teenagers that I have ever seen.  I could barely tell through the pancake makeup and crow’s feet that these weren’t awkward teens at their senior prom!

And the prom, MAN don’t get me started!  This is almost exactly how I remembered things going.  I remember being able to get hotel rooms even though I was underaged and without a credit card.  Good thing that the prom was IN THE HOTEL!  How awesome is that!  And of course, who can forget how their high school prom venue looked like that awesome club from that video (except for the boobs and butts and booze, let’s not forget that these are underage 20-somethings, and that this movie is PG-13)!

My favorite part of this movie was how unpredictable it was.  Gettin’ your hair did, and you see that guy what killed your parents and almost you in the mirror… only to turn around and he’s not there?  Scriptwriting GENIUS.  Girl getting mad at her boyfriend and going up to the hotel room that they totally legally were able to rent, and the killer gets her?  DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING AT ALL!  Hiding from the killer under the bed, and there’s A BODY UNDERNEATH THERE!!!  How come no horror movie has ever thought of that before?

This movie blows.

Salty says:
This movie reveals the face of the killer right away and he is known as the killer throughout the whole film. What the fuck is that!? Look it doesn’t matter that you know throughout the whole movie that the killer is Sally’s leering older brother who is purported to be “into some weird stuff” from the first frame that you see him – the point is that you don’t see his him holding the bloody knife with that contorted look on his face until 45 seconds before the scene where he gets run over by the train thanks to the survivor girl’s deceased love-interest’s helpful German Shepard. These movies have a rhythm.

People have spent years looking for the perfect crab mask for their low budget horror film. To get the just the right mask is a major selling point for the film. Why else would anyone watch YouTube clips of Curtains? One reason that Halloween 4 blows (other than the fact that it killed one of the greatest fucking franchise ideas ever thunk) is that the mask is such a fuckup – people hate the Halloween 4 mask because it fails to capture the right spirit and it’s just a white mask! That’s it! Someone picked a featureless white mask that failed to live up to the hype of the old featureless white mask and it’s like someone added some poo to your intravenous saline solution – now there’s someone else’s poo in you! But this movie has the audacity to remove the whole mask concept. That’s like removing the ludicrous outfits from figure skating or the boobs from Miss America. It’s stupid!

There is no mask or ambiguity about who is doing the killings. There is no question about who the survivor girl is going to be. There is no challenge of any kind anywhere in the movie. The characters are all extremely unlikable, unredeemable and un-relatable. As I can find absolutely nothing worthwhile about this movie, I have to assume that I have fallen totally out of touch with a whole generation of horror and so I can’t really comment on the movie, because it’s totally out of context for me. BOO! (Not the scary kind the disapproving kind)

Maire	Corey	Salty
☆	☆	☆

Prom Night 4 - Schlock Galore!

Maire says:
This movie is GREAT! In fact, it’s terrible, but that’s what makes it so great. Plot line? Eh… sure… Effects? Nah! Wearing shoes to walk on a broken glass covered floor? That’s for punks! Repeatedly walking barefoot across aforementioned floor? Who wouldn’t?! Having any idea what is going on, and/or why anything is happening? Don’t even try! But hey, at least is has Brock Simpson! This time playing a priest. Yes, it goes as well as you’d expect.

Corey says:
Remember all that stuff about different prom dates for the Prom Nights that I put up in my last post?  Well, Prom Night IV is the crazy bitch that has downed a fifth of vodka before the limo ride, and will certainly do a line in the bathroom as soon as she gets to the gymnasium.

This movie is so bad, I didn't realize that Ezri Dax is in it.  As a main character.

The high point of this film, though, is the soundtrack, once again done by the ineffable Paul Zaza.

Salty says:

Two stars! I don't have to explain myself to you.

Maire	Corey	Salty
☆☆☆	☆	☆☆

Prom Night 3 - What's In It For Me?

Maire says:
I’ll tell ya what’s in it for me - laughs! This is the one movie in the franchise that just lays it out as a schlock comedy horror. The gore is schlocky, predictable, and poorly done, but that’s just what makes it all the more better.

Unfortunately, the ending ended up a bit too much for my tastes, but at least Brock Simpson returned to the screen. This time as Officer Larry!

Corey says:
You know, after watching enough of these movies, you start to notice a (severely unintentional) theme. Bear with me for a moment. Now, imagine all of the Prom Night films as actual prom night dates. Sounds dumb, right? BUT WAIT.

Prom Night: The awkward wallflower with a homemade plain dress. She’s there, but she’s not much to look at, and at the end of the night, she’ll still be sitting close to the punch bowl, maybe reading a book or something.

Prom Night II: This is that crazy hot troublemaker that everyone wanted to get with, but for some reason she picked YOU. She’s got a mouth on her, and she knows how to use it. You know you’re in for a wild ride where you’re gonna either end up with your pants off, or dead… and either conclusion is acceptable.

This leads us to Prom Night III: The Last Kiss. This is another one of those girls that everyone thinks is hot, and once again (you lucky dog), she picks you! However, there’s gonna be no hanky panky here. Just when you think you’re gonna get to second base, *poof* you’re on the dance floor, doing the Lindy Hop for some god awful reason! Every time, every goddamn time you start to get somewhere with this chick, she pulls the ol’ switcheroo and nothing happens.

Now to be fair, this isn’t necessarily III’s fault. We had to watch the TV edit, because that’s all there fucking is in America to watch. So, I guess it’s more like going to the prom with a hot young lass that’s had a full frontal… lobotomy. Nice to look at, but you know this shit ain’t goin’ nowhere.

At least most of the music, which was expertly put together by the amazing Paul Zaza, made it through the edits mostly intact.

Salty says:
The Last Kiss starts well. Mary Lou is back and now she is in love with a new student at Hamilton High only she’s dead and he’s not. Anyone that messes with her man-boy gets a taste of campy death. A Nightmare on Elm Street not only gave The Killer a medium-well face, it gave The Killer a very rambunctious personality. Not only does he kill you, but he insults you too! Unfortunately for us, the personality driven maniac was quickly given one-liners and goofy set-up gags for murders. The Last Kiss has enough of this that you may begin to think that most of the screenwriting time was spent picking out which puns to use (all of which are too embarrassingly unfunny to repeat here).

Also, God help me, there are some character inconsistencies that I really don’t like. Maybe it says something about my self-esteem that I really like the callous Mary Lou from the previous film. Her only concern was that she was having fun at the expense of anyone that happened to pass by on her path to revenge. She was evil for her own vengeful sake and that was that, but now she’s in love with some dude and playing these head games with him while she kills to impress him or something. Maybe if the nudity wasn’t edited out I would be a little more appreciative, but even a really nice set of the world’s cheapest special effects couldn’t have saved this one.

Maire	Corey	Salty
☆☆	☆☆	☆

Prom Night II: Hello Mary Lou

Editor's note: There is not a funny subtitle for this post, because really, the actual subtitle is pretty great.

Maire says:
Prom Night II is one of those sequels that is better than the original. Sure, it keeps the same setting of Hamilton High, the awesome compositional skills of Paul Zaza, and the whole shit-is-gonna-go-down-on-prom-night! theme, while coming up with a completely new, but worth it, plot line. Seriously, how can you go wrong with possession, crucifix stabbing, telekinesis, and computer screen electrocution?

Also, Brock Simpson does a stellar job portraying Josh. Kudos to him for landing that role.

Corey says:
Salty gave us a bit of a talk before we watched Prom Night II. Long story short, he was all like “THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE HOLY FUCKING CHRIST. Except the last 10 minutes or so. Other than that it is GREATER THAN DIPPING YOUR BALLS IN LUKEWARM OLIVE OIL. But except for the last 10 minutes, which is a total letdown.”

You know what? That last 10 minutes ain’t too bad. I think he had… uh… un-hyped it to the point where I thought the climax was shortly going to be followed by an Edith Massey burlesque show (then again, that would be a sight). Instead, we get a kind of hokey (but not particularly awful) ending to a pretty neato film.

Overall, Hello Mary Lou does alright. I was super happy to see that, amongst the other name homages, Frank “What’s in the Basket” Henenlotter got a shout out. That guy doesn’t get enough credit. Unless it’s stuff he’d done recently that involves mutant man and lady bits that co-stars some weird third rate rapper buddies of his. I mean, I guess if that dude gave you like half the money needed to make the movie, then you should probably let him in your movie. Then again, giving Henenlotter that money meant that Bad Biology got made.

You know what? Fuck that rapper.

Anyway, the next time someone tells you that something is great, but the ending is awful? Don’t take their word for it! Unless it’s the last season of Dexter. And even if you don’t like the movie, at least it has a stunning soundtrack, expertly put together by the amazing Paul Zaza.

Salty says:
Hello Mary Lou is the bee’s knees. The 1980’s/1950’s mash up is perfect fit (see Back to the Future). It makes you remember why you love movies. Looking back on an old film that is looking at yet another period in time you get this strange layered experience. Both the periods synergize and make this even weirder period that never really existed, but you wish it would have. It’s like curved glass: one piece may shift things in a particular way and another in some different way, but assemble them in the right environment and - blamo! – telescope! This film is a rare treat, comparable to only a small subset of films like Hammer’s Frankenstein or Fritz Lang’s Metropolis. All period pieces must look unusual or kitschy to future viewers, but to continue to hold up to scrutiny and resist becoming unwatchable is an impressive feat that deserves recognition.

Don’t let my gushing distract from the movie itself, Hello Mary Lou is a schlocky horror film. The story is about a cruel high school student, the eponymous Mary Lou, accidentally burned to death (oh those pranks always go so wrong) at prom, her vengeful spirit escapes hell 30 years later through a props department box or something and possesses a young girl. No movie in which a possessed daughter starts to make out with her father after letting her super freaky rocking horse suck on her hand is going to win very many awards, but that’s okay, as a fan of horror I know this and accept it. The reward I get for my acceptance is the full frontal nudity in a scene that begins with an unexpected lesbian seduction and ends with a young girl getting crushed to death by the psychically induced implosion of the locker in which she is hiding. Worth it!

The biggest influences come from Carrie and A Nightmare on Elm Street with a dab or two of The Exorcist here and there, but these horror classics are blended and twisted into new and exciting forms so that the movie still maintains it’s own original storyline and vibe. There are some great visions of Hell, fun 80’s characters (fuck me gently with a chainsaw), a respectable 50’s soundtrack and a pretty good selection of what-the-hell-is-going-on moments that cross the line of absurdity in a good way.

The one cigarette burn in the celluloid is the ending. The film builds up this beautiful crescendo: we’re back at prom and Cynthia (she’s the main character) has just been shot, a gore-drenched Mary Lou emerges the bullet hole (you had to be there). Every time I watch the scene I get so jazzed up to watch an orgy of violent revenge on the innocent students of Hamilton High that I suddenly become a drunk at a football game and can’t resist screaming go get the bastards! Show those turds who’s boss! until my son’s coach tells me I’m disturbing the other parents and asks me to leave. I don’t know who that guy thinks he it, but a whistle isn’t a badge, you know? Then some crap happens and Hello Mary Lou ends flat as an armadillo on 66, but don’t let that make you forget how much fun you had watching Mary Lou kill that priest – this is a good film.

Maire	Corey	Salty
☆☆☆	☆☆☆	☆☆☆

Prom Night - Quit calling me Shirley

Maire says:
Prom Night introduces us to Jamie Lee Curtis’s second silver screen debut, Leslie Nielsen playing a serious role, everyone’s favorite one liner, and of course, the music of Paul Zaza.

In an intro that appears loosely based on Lois Duncan’s most popular novel, we find 4 friends, Young Nick played by Brock Simpson, making a secrecy pact. But someone else is there. Someone who hates prom as much as any other high school outcast. Why? We never really find out.

Cut to usual high school OMG PROM YOU GUYS movie, with the occasional YOU’RE GONNA DIE MUAHAHAHA thrown in and you pretty much can guess the rest.

Schlock highlights - Slick’s Van, the one liner It's not who you go with. It's who takes you home, Wendy’s death, and the killer reveal.

For fans of schlock horror, like myself, this first Prom Night sets up a fairly solid string of ridiculousness. (We won’t talk about this century’s Prom Night.) Just wait until we get to the glory of Prom Night 4!

Corey says:
If you would have told me that Leslie Nielsen and Jamie Lee Curtis were in a film together that wasn’t a comedy, I would have thought you were on drugs. And yet, here we are.

Prom Night was one of the films in the tidal wave of “We-are-studio-execs-who-saw-how-much-money-Halloween-made” slasher stampede. Hell, they even managed to put Jamie Lee Curtis in it, which was something Pieces sure as hell couldn’t do. (To be fair, I really like Pieces, and the ending is fucking weird and creepy.) And, like many of those first slasher clones, Prom Night ain’t that great.

All the tropes are there, of course. The prude, the stoner, the heroine (who happens to be a great dancer), and the red herring (which I totally fell for, I’ll be honest). However, the film just never puts it together quite right. Maybe it’s because this is my first time seeing Prom Night, or maybe it’s because I’ve seen enough slashers to know how they go, but just killing kids for fucking isn’t enough. I need a gimmick, and a dude in a balaclava isn’t enough. I mean, really, it’s not the film’s fault.

Wait, yes it is.

The reason this film doesn’t totally suck is because Nielsen and Curtis are just great to watch, even if they’re in a kind of shitty rip-off film.

On the bright side, the films has a stunning soundtrack, expertly put together by the amazing Paul Zaza.


Salty says:
The opening scene to Prom Night is the scene that I think of when I think of classic slasher openings: kids playing in some verboten place, a prank that goes mortally wrong, questionable liability, irresponsible reactions – it’s perfect! The rest of the movie doesn’t stand a chance.

10 years after the death and the students of Hamilton High start to be picked off one-by-one by a masked madman, who looks suspicious like a guy I remember from Ninja vs. Megashark or something like that. What I remember from my first viewing of the film (on stunning VHS!) is that the movie was very dark (as in poorly lit, not emotionally bleak) and the killer dressed in all black with a black ski-mask, so I had to use the process of elimination to guess who’s death cries I was hearing at any given 20-minute interval. Fortunately, the House of Sequels viewing was on DVD and I got to see what I was missing, which still wasn’t worth the time it took, but there is a stellar performance by an unparalleled horror movie icon.

That’s right I am talking about Leslie Nielsen! I know that the world will remember Leslie from his roles in such classics as The Night Gallery, Dracula: Dead and Loving It, Repossessed and of course Creepshow (he can hold his breath a long time) and he does not disappoint here. Watching Leslie not just play the principal of Hamilton High, but be the principal of Hamilton High is just a pleasure.

The movie also offers viewers a time capsule that contains the full-blown stink of the 1970’s. There is feathered hair and too-short shorts and powder blue and disco – oh boy is there disco! In the midst of disappearing teenagers the film comes to a complete stop to give you, the viewer, a disco dance long enough for you to wonder if you should have signed up to watch every horror movie franchise that has more than four entries, because you are beginning to get a taste of what you signed up for and it is a little sour.

Then we reach the big reveal, but by the time we get there we realize that we really don’t remember who was present at the beginning of the film. It’s kind of like the end of an episode of Scooby-Doo where they pull off the crocodile man’s mask and reveal a character you have never seen before. So you just kind of go “Oh it’s… wait… who is that?” They give you a little flashback to try and help, but you really just want to see the end credits.

Maire	Corey	Salty
☆☆	☆☆	☆

Prom Night: The Franchise Introduction

The VHS boxes of the Prom Night series are those sorts of boxes that left indelible prints on my child brain.  Whenever I would go off to the rental store, I would wander down the horror aisle, quickly glancing at as may covers as I could before I chickened out and bailed.  There were covers that I didn't remember until they were brought up, like the dead prom date on Night of the Creeps, or the backpack full of copyright infringing horror icon weapons on Sleepaway Camp.  But there were some covers that were always there, tucked into the back of my mind, waiting for an idle daydream to come rumbling to the surface.  Mary Lou stuffed  in her casket locker of Prom Night 2 and the hell on wheels motorcycle of Prom Night 3 are two such covers.

The interesting thing about the Prom Night films is how diverse of a family they are.  Each film tends to embody a specific little niche in the horror world, from 70's slasher to late 80's camp to 2000's utter remake garbage.  In some ways, I think it would be impossible to like all of them, because each is so specifically different from the other.  In fact, the only link throughout them all (except the remake) is the ineffable Paul Zaza, maestro extraordinaire.  However, that didn't stop us from watching every goddamn one of them.  So grab a date and get in the back seat of your '57 Chevy, because it's Prom Night baby!

The Omen Franchise Summary - Spolier: Satan Loses

The Omen. What the fuck Hollywood? You know who you fucked that rottweiler to please and yet you don't even let Him win in His own damn movie. That's not okay. I mean Jesus? Come on, what an obvious choice, I really expected more from you. Instead what do we, the viewing audience get? Mediocrity, that's what - and Satanic mediocrity is the worst kind. It's like deciding to get fat on purpose and spending the next two years eating a lot of pastas, because baked goods are too sweet. That's dumb. If you're really fat and you don't have diabetes, you're dumb.

Franchise Ranking

Omen II	☆☆☆
Omen I	☆☆☆
Omen III	☆
Omen IV	☆
Omen V	φ

Prom Night's next.